Tsk. Whoever said he wasn't keeping it? Paying a debt in kind doesn't have to mean giving up anything of his. And that, too, is on the docket. Less for Li Lianhua's own edification, which is unreliable at best; if he thinks Di Feisheng has given up on returning his life to him in some measure, that's his business, as long as he keeps it to himself. He would be wrong, but only lately has Di Feisheng considered there might be any point to trying to correct him before it's settled, and he still doesn't know the merit of that play, beyond that it requires a followup he still only has in the broadest strokes. Is that question any part of what has him freezing like a forest animal over his cup? Di Feisheng fails to catch Li Lianhua's strangely downcast gaze, flicks his eyes likewise down to the cup instead, which is a very poor replacement and just as empty of answers as it is wine. Surely it isn't.
The meteoric emotional trajectory from testy bristling to whatever has Li Lianhua hanging in wait would be gratifying under other circumstances, if he didn't need to be so deliberate. Or if the balance weren't so precarious, between the impulse to answer with the kind of ferocity and instinct more suited to fighting (or at least throwing things) than taking a turn at qi. The difference between trusting that an opponent's response will be within the scope of his skill to counter, and actively trying to direct, or account for moves that aren't his own. He doesn't bristle himself at being questioned, but the challenge in his reply is as sure as it is warm. None of the uncertainty of watching Li Lianhua hesitate and waiting for him to stop, with eyes bright only in the way of light down a very long tunnel. "Yes, and I was right last year too. I don't need the moon to keep track of time when I spent ten years without it. Do you have to be contrary every time?"
The truth is Li Lianhua doesn't know himself what he's asking for. Perhaps it's just offering Di Feisheng an escape route he already knows he won't take, but feels he owes him anyway. The moon isn't the only thing that's different here, maybe enough things have become so unrecognizable that Di Feisheng's answer might change as well, if only he's reminded of that fact. Perhaps it's stopping to measure the nature of an array against his own ability to escape it before stepping inside. Perhaps it's looking for any reason to escape it at all.
Of course, Di Feisheng manages to frustrate all of those possibilities with the answer he does give. His commitment is as unrelenting and to a fault as it has always been. Ten years without the moon is a long time to glorify the memory of it hanging over that unfinished duel. It's a long time to spend without anything but memories. Li Lianhua's hand tightens around the cup, thumb running along the rim like he's weighing his options between raising it and flicking it and making use of the distraction to flee.
But the warmth in that complaint sounds like anything but being mistaken for a memory. It sounds like long-lasting familiarity, like knowing exactly what he's looking at and relishing it. It reminds him that the moonlight of eleven years hence had already dimmed in Di Feisheng's memory last time they drank to that duel. And it's unexpected enough that he has to see it for himself, so long as he still can, only his eyes daring to move as they flick up to meet Di Feisheng's against his own better judgement, almost incredulous. There he finds surety that can only mean trouble. There he finds a challenge he still wants to meet.
Or maybe he just really needs a drink to deal with this.
Li Lianhua brushes off the moment with a soft scoff, gaze briefly circling up to appeal to some unhelpful deity for support before reaching for the wine, filling his own cup and then the other with decisive precision as if his involvement in this was never in question. "Who's contrary? You're the one who never takes no for an answer." So clearly any protest would have been doomed from the start. "Here, drink and don't bother me anymore, alright?"
It's Li Lianhua's time and effort to waste, offering unnecessary escapes and thinking baseless accusations about Di Feisheng's ability to glorify anything--which if he had any sense, he would understand is nonexistent--though not for any lack of determination on his part. Given enough of a lever, Di Feisheng will move the world, and given enough time to run the numbers, he will figure a way to corner Li Lianhua into applying all that admirable persistence correctly for once. Chase, lead, or shoulder into line, whichever works.
A drink is the right answer to whatever has Li Lianhua appealing to the heavens, says his satisfied nod, just as certain about Li Lianhua's participation as he has decided to pretend to be. Though as toasts go that's another willfully sub-par cabbage, trying his skilled hobbyist's sensibilities with disingenuity as expected. He was very clear about the options, and his generosity doesn't extend so far as accepting a substitute. "I'll drink, but not to that. Haven't you told me to stop saying things I don't mean?" Which was just as absurd as imagining Di Feisheng glorifying anything, but he doesn't need Li Lianhua's sense of humor to appreciate the absurdity and make a riposte of it.
Garnering even this (needlessly endearingly tetchy) degree of cooperation, even buried as it is in a token protest, is an inarguable victory step in the right direction, and a subtle combative set to his shoulders rounds out as he raises his cup. A third absurdity would be imagining Di Feisheng resting on his laurels, but this at least isn't a challenge, is something more gracious, even serene. If he means to drink to anything else, he doesn't see the need to volunteer it, offering advice through a small but unrestrained grin. Maybe next year it can be as free and unabashed as the last. "You should listen to yourself."
Now that he's agreed to the drink, can't he be let off the hook? Is it really necessary or fair to subject him to more incomprehensible smugness both irritating and captivating? At no point did he set out to meet or fail Di-mengzhu's expectations and maybe he just enjoys sharing a drink with him anyway, did he think about that? Does he have to be demanding every time? Let's see how soon Li Lianhua can have him wring the laundry for this, let's see him manage to act all that imperious elbow-deep in soapy water with his sleeves rolled up. The worst part is that he probably will.
And he won't even accept his toast. Why nag him into giving one and then get picky? Insufferable. Even more uncalled for is having his own words and propensity for helpful advice turned around on him, let alone with such a disarming grin. Di Feisheng really shouldn't be able to disarm anyone with just his words, no matter how awfully funny it is. Shocked amusement sparks a matching grin on Li Lianhua's face, finally willing to admit defeat to the comfort they've earned with each other. A huff of laughter and a resigned nod loosen some of his own tension, betraying a desire for moments like these that he can't afford, yet can't let go of. At least he still manages to purse his lips in mock disapproval, his gaze cutting to the cup again.
"I mean what I say often enough. Lao Di, you really don't need any help telling the difference." Because if that man were able to see through him any better, he would really be in trouble. Yet sometimes, Di Feisheng is just too stubborn to hear what he says. Whether that's a blessing or a tragedy, it seems safe enough to drink to and Li Lianhua's cup meets Di Feisheng's. His gaze raised across them offers as much sincerity as he can bear to part with, for an occasion that really is worth marking one more time.
What Li Lianhua did or did not set out to do is not any business of Di Feisheng's. Cabbages don't set out to meet expectations either. Hasn't Di Feisheng been equanimous enough in this lifetime to earn a little pickiness when it counts? Get in the fucking hydraulic press. A better wording choice might be "cautious" or even "capable of foresight" and that is laid squarely at Li Lianhua's feet the way few things can be, so it really wouldn't be right for him to complain about it now.
It wasn't even a proper toast. Li Lianhua may be struggling with his sight, but he shouldn't need it to see he's in trouble regardless, and no one is asking him to afford these moments or any others. Keeping that kind of ledger isn't in the spirit of what Li Lianhua wants to be, so he should take his own eponymous aspirations to heart there, too. Whether it's market produce or a trophy, Li Lianhua's sincerity at least passes muster with less disdain than the toast, and Di Feisheng drinks like he hasn't the slightest doubt or concern, like nothing's ever been taken away from him in his life. A respite from the full weight of Di Feisheng's attention, eye contact or not, has to be a mercy.
"If I wanted your help, you'd know," is the riposte, or maybe just confirmation. But far be it from him to interfere with Li Lianhua's hobbies, and lying surely ranks high on that list. No real expectation exists here that Li Lianhua will take an injunction to honesty to heart. It's just routine grumbling (which Li Lianhua of all people is equipped to hear for the banked affection humor it is), and he doesn't begrudge Li Lianhua his fun in the slightest. More in need of the interference is Li Lianhua's hobby of boxing shadows, and someday he will have to figure out what makes him so prone to it when he's so smart otherwise, and when it serves him so ill. But not today, since he no longer seems on the verge of bolting.
Now it's Di Feisheng's turn to fidget with his wine cup, though on him it is much less unbecoming of a sect leader and much more an outward continuation of an internal theme of calculation and recalculation. More of that visual weighing and deliberation, worrying pieces smooth with intent that won't be hurried and is still too unrefined to express. Could the Li Xiangyi he knew possibly have been like this, or was he already too far gone even then, a cracked cauldron? How dare Li Lianhua be right about some things. "Perhaps if I let you toast for every missing year, you'll get one right before you run out. Those are the right odds, I think."
It actually was a proper toast, thank you, for someone too willful and reluctant to express things more clearly than that, and willing to be a little free with the format. To the at times inconvenient and frightening insights that man is capable of, and to their limits both. A toast that lauds Di Feisheng as it should, too bad his insight doesn't extend to understanding that.
Li Lianhua takes refuge in his own drink, letting the comfortable burn of the alcohol warm him. It's a warmth that settles deep within his chest with Di Feisheng's bitchy retort, with the sweetness of its good humor and the tang of its hidden challenge, its unchanged pride and stubbornness. Li Lianhua smiles his boundless fondness into his cup before setting it down as well, his eyes shifting to the other man's unquiet hand, then risking a glance up to seek his gaze again.
Di Feisheng has always been the one person he knew could be trusted to see through all the noise of the world, to have nothing but disdain for all the frills and fabrications and distractions people hide behind, people build entire relationships and communities on. It makes him a blunt instrument at times. It makes him the kind of blade that cuts to the heart of things in one stroke when it matters.
But what Li Lianhua sometimes sees reflected in Di Feisheng's eyes when he looks at him, something worth winning, it's too hard to believe Di Feisheng is seeing anything but a ghost and mistaking it for a man. And yet, a traitorous foolish part of him wishes he could still be anything close to what Di Feisheng sees there...
So if Di Feisheng thinks the full weight of his attention isn't as thrilling as it is troublesome, Li Lianhua will really have to retract his toast.
It's good Di Feisheng's fidgeting is becoming of a sect leader, since he actually is one. But it also doesn't bode well for whatever comes out of those calculations, and Li Lianhua can only await it with a faint feeling of both curiosity and apprehension. And indeed, having to hear about their missing years proves that dread justified. As if he doesn't regret the loss of those years enough by himself. As if he hasn't tried again and again to make up for his mistakes toasting at his shifu's grave and in his shifu's home. But what's gone is gone.
Li Lianhua's gaze drops and he sighs, clicks his tongue with a wistful smile. The lightness of amusement in his voice is betrayed by a faint frown.
"Lao Di, that won't work. If toasts could make up for lost time, people would all be drunkards, eh? But you can't regain time any more than you can return spilled wine to the cup."
Di Feisheng's unseemly fidgeting subsides without a ripple, leaving him feeling a little harried by the wistfulness Li Lianhua seems inclined to wield against him like a weapon but no less determined. He has never been less determined in his life. Li Lianhua, he thinks, is right this time too, but there's not any gall in it for him, even if being a drunkard is starting to have its appeal. Just what does he think Di Feisheng sees, that's so unattainable. Why's he always so sure there's a difference. It doesn't feel like there's any hope of expressing it, even if he were certain he wanted to. The breadth of it isn't a cup of spilled wine refusing to be recalled, but more than will be contained even by someone meticulously undertaking an impossible task. Organizing grains of sand in a dream, perhaps, and wondering if there's a way to secure help. That wasn't what he meant, and the look he turns on Li Lianhua at last, open and lost and seeking a confirmation he isn't conscious of, is hopefully brief enough to escape notice.
There isn't any point in re-treading old ground, and it wouldn't be any comfort either. Li Lianhua doesn't want to hear that he hasn't given up, and he doesn't know how to say that there's still something good here which can't be changed by anything. There might be some point to pressing the admission out of Li Lianhua, but he thinks this level of participation in anniversary toasts may count already, and he can't risk adding duress to the mix. It would be deeply amusing to know that Li Lianhua admires his ability to be so decisive, when these days he is leaning into a more flexible skillset altogether.
It's just. It's the same thing. Clear enough he could paint it. Muddled and tangled and dreamed but still with crystal clear direction at the heart. It doesn't change the worth of anything lost to accept and want something that still is. There isn't anything he can say that would explain he is exactly where he wants to be, even if he didn't choose it and there is still nothing sure in this world. "Maybe not," is what he allows, instead of any of that, but the tinge of shared wistfulness and uncertainty makes it sound like he really is only entertaining a hypothetical more or less against his better judgment. Like personally, privately, he might be able to recall the lost time if he tried, but he won't, as a personal favor, and in honor of the day.
"It isn't about making up lost time," is one thing he's sure of, and certainly didn't suggest in the first place. Lost time and missed chances are different things, though there's lessons to be learned in both. What he wants to offer is a kind of opportunism, rather than an obligation, even if his phrasing suggests otherwise. "It's about getting it right."
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no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 01:21 am (UTC)The meteoric emotional trajectory from testy bristling to whatever has Li Lianhua hanging in wait would be gratifying under other circumstances, if he didn't need to be so deliberate. Or if the balance weren't so precarious, between the impulse to answer with the kind of ferocity and instinct more suited to fighting (or at least throwing things) than taking a turn at qi. The difference between trusting that an opponent's response will be within the scope of his skill to counter, and actively trying to direct, or account for moves that aren't his own. He doesn't bristle himself at being questioned, but the challenge in his reply is as sure as it is warm. None of the uncertainty of watching Li Lianhua hesitate and waiting for him to stop, with eyes bright only in the way of light down a very long tunnel. "Yes, and I was right last year too. I don't need the moon to keep track of time when I spent ten years without it. Do you have to be contrary every time?"
no subject
Date: 2024-04-08 09:40 pm (UTC)Of course, Di Feisheng manages to frustrate all of those possibilities with the answer he does give. His commitment is as unrelenting and to a fault as it has always been. Ten years without the moon is a long time to glorify the memory of it hanging over that unfinished duel. It's a long time to spend without anything but memories. Li Lianhua's hand tightens around the cup, thumb running along the rim like he's weighing his options between raising it and flicking it
and making use of the distraction to flee.But the warmth in that complaint sounds like anything but being mistaken for a memory. It sounds like long-lasting familiarity, like knowing exactly what he's looking at
and relishing it. It reminds him that the moonlight of eleven years hence had already dimmed in Di Feisheng's memory last time they drank to that duel. And it's unexpected enough that he has to see it for himself, so long as he still can, only his eyes daring to move as they flick up to meet Di Feisheng's against his own better judgement, almost incredulous. There he finds surety that can only mean trouble. There he finds a challenge he still wants to meet.Or maybe he just really needs a drink to deal with this.
Li Lianhua brushes off the moment with a soft scoff, gaze briefly circling up to appeal to some unhelpful deity for support before reaching for the wine, filling his own cup and then the other with decisive precision as if his involvement in this was never in question. "Who's contrary? You're the one who never takes no for an answer." So clearly any protest would have been doomed from the start. "Here, drink and don't bother me anymore, alright?"
no subject
Date: 2024-05-04 08:13 pm (UTC)A drink is the right answer to whatever has Li Lianhua appealing to the heavens, says his satisfied nod, just as certain about Li Lianhua's participation as he has decided to pretend to be. Though as toasts go that's another willfully sub-par cabbage, trying his skilled hobbyist's sensibilities with disingenuity as expected. He was very clear about the options, and his generosity doesn't extend so far as accepting a substitute. "I'll drink, but not to that. Haven't you told me to stop saying things I don't mean?" Which was just as absurd as imagining Di Feisheng glorifying anything, but he doesn't need Li Lianhua's sense of humor to appreciate the absurdity and make a riposte of it.
Garnering even this (needlessly
endearinglytetchy) degree of cooperation, even buried as it is in a token protest, is an inarguablevictorystep in the right direction, and a subtle combative set to his shoulders rounds out as he raises his cup. A third absurdity would be imagining Di Feisheng resting on his laurels, but this at least isn't a challenge, is something more gracious, even serene. If he means to drink to anything else, he doesn't see the need to volunteer it, offering advice through a small but unrestrained grin.Maybe next year it can be as free and unabashed as the last."You should listen to yourself."no subject
Date: 2024-06-14 11:59 pm (UTC)The worst part is that he probably will.And he won't even accept his toast. Why nag him into giving one and then get picky? Insufferable. Even more uncalled for is having his own words and propensity for helpful advice turned around on him, let alone with such a disarming grin. Di Feisheng really shouldn't be able to disarm anyone with just his words, no matter how awfully funny it is. Shocked amusement sparks a matching grin on Li Lianhua's face, finally willing to admit defeat to the comfort they've earned with each other. A huff of laughter and a resigned nod loosen some of his own tension, betraying a desire for moments like these that he can't afford, yet can't let go of. At least he still manages to purse his lips in mock disapproval, his gaze cutting to the cup again.
"I mean what I say often enough. Lao Di, you really don't need any help telling the difference." Because if that man were able to see through him any better, he would really be in trouble. Yet sometimes, Di Feisheng is just too stubborn to hear what he says. Whether that's a blessing or a tragedy, it seems safe enough to drink to and Li Lianhua's cup meets Di Feisheng's. His gaze raised across them offers as much sincerity as he can bear to part with, for an occasion that really is worth marking one more time.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-14 09:06 pm (UTC)Get in the fucking hydraulic press.A better wording choice might be "cautious" or even "capable of foresight" and that is laid squarely at Li Lianhua's feet the way few things can be, so it really wouldn't be right for him to complain about it now.It wasn't even a proper toast. Li Lianhua may be struggling with his sight, but he shouldn't need it to see he's in trouble regardless, and no one is asking him to afford these moments or any others. Keeping that kind of ledger isn't in the spirit of what Li Lianhua wants to be, so he should take his own eponymous aspirations to heart there, too. Whether it's market produce or a trophy, Li Lianhua's sincerity at least passes muster with less disdain than the toast, and Di Feisheng drinks like he hasn't the slightest doubt or concern, like nothing's ever been taken away from him in his life. A respite from the full weight of Di Feisheng's attention, eye contact or not, has to be a mercy.
"If I wanted your help, you'd know," is the riposte, or maybe just confirmation. But far be it from him to interfere with Li Lianhua's hobbies, and lying surely ranks high on that list. No real expectation exists here that Li Lianhua will take an injunction to honesty to heart. It's just routine grumbling (which Li Lianhua of all people is equipped to hear for the banked
affectionhumor it is), and he doesn't begrudge Li Lianhua his fun in the slightest. More in need of the interference is Li Lianhua's hobby of boxing shadows, and someday he will have to figure out what makes him so prone to it when he's so smart otherwise, and when it serves him so ill. But not today, since he no longer seems on the verge of bolting.Now it's Di Feisheng's turn to fidget with his wine cup, though on him it is much less unbecoming of a sect leader and much more an outward continuation of an internal theme of calculation and recalculation. More of that visual weighing and deliberation, worrying pieces smooth with intent that won't be hurried and is still too unrefined to express. Could the Li Xiangyi he knew possibly have been like this, or was he already too far gone even then, a cracked cauldron? How dare Li Lianhua be right about some things. "Perhaps if I let you toast for every missing year, you'll get one right before you run out. Those are the right odds, I think."
no subject
Date: 2024-07-20 03:43 pm (UTC)and frighteninginsights that man is capable of, and to their limits both. A toast that lauds Di Feisheng as it should, too bad his insight doesn't extend to understanding that.Li Lianhua takes refuge in his own drink, letting the comfortable burn of the alcohol warm him. It's a warmth that settles deep within his chest with Di Feisheng's
bitchyretort, with the sweetness of its good humor and the tang of its hidden challenge, its unchanged pride and stubbornness. Li Lianhua smiles his boundless fondness into his cup before setting it down as well, his eyes shifting to the other man's unquiet hand, then risking a glance up to seek his gaze again.Di Feisheng has always been the one person he knew could be trusted to see through all the noise of the world, to have nothing but disdain for all the frills and fabrications and distractions people hide behind, people build entire relationships and communities on. It makes him a blunt instrument at times. It makes him the kind of blade that cuts to the heart of things in one stroke when it matters.
But what Li Lianhua sometimes sees reflected in Di Feisheng's eyes when he looks at him,
something worth winning, it's too hard to believe Di Feisheng is seeing anything but a ghost and mistaking it for a man. And yet, a traitorous foolish part of him wishes he could still be anything close to what Di Feisheng sees there...So if Di Feisheng thinks the full weight of his attention isn't as thrilling as it is troublesome, Li Lianhua will really have to retract his toast.
It's good Di Feisheng's fidgeting is becoming of a sect leader, since he actually is one. But it also doesn't bode well for whatever comes out of those calculations, and Li Lianhua can only await it with a faint feeling of both curiosity and apprehension. And indeed, having to hear about their missing years proves that dread justified. As if he doesn't regret the loss of those years enough by himself. As if he hasn't tried again and again to make up for his mistakes toasting at his shifu's grave and in his shifu's home. But what's gone is gone.
Li Lianhua's gaze drops and he sighs, clicks his tongue with a wistful smile. The lightness of amusement in his voice is betrayed by a faint frown.
"Lao Di, that won't work. If toasts could make up for lost time, people would all be drunkards, eh? But you can't regain time any more than you can return spilled wine to the cup."
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 06:00 am (UTC)There isn't any point in re-treading old ground, and it wouldn't be any comfort either. Li Lianhua doesn't want to hear that he hasn't given up, and he doesn't know how to say that there's still something good here which can't be changed by anything. There might be some point to pressing the admission out of Li Lianhua, but he thinks this level of participation in anniversary toasts may count already, and he can't risk adding duress to the mix. It would be deeply amusing to know that Li Lianhua admires his ability to be so decisive, when these days he is leaning into a more flexible skillset altogether.
It's just. It's the same thing. Clear enough he could paint it. Muddled and tangled and dreamed but still with crystal clear direction at the heart. It doesn't change the worth of anything lost to accept and want something that still is. There isn't anything he can say that would explain he is exactly where he wants to be, even if he didn't choose it and there is still nothing sure in this world. "Maybe not," is what he allows, instead of any of that, but the tinge of shared wistfulness and uncertainty makes it sound like he really is only entertaining a hypothetical more or less against his better judgment. Like personally, privately, he might be able to recall the lost time if he tried, but he won't, as a personal favor, and in honor of the day.
"It isn't about making up lost time," is one thing he's sure of, and certainly didn't suggest in the first place. Lost time and missed chances are different things, though there's lessons to be learned in both. What he wants to offer is a kind of opportunism, rather than an obligation, even if his phrasing suggests otherwise. "It's about getting it right."