What Li Lianhua did or did not set out to do is not any business of Di Feisheng's. Cabbages don't set out to meet expectations either. Hasn't Di Feisheng been equanimous enough in this lifetime to earn a little pickiness when it counts? Get in the fucking hydraulic press. A better wording choice might be "cautious" or even "capable of foresight" and that is laid squarely at Li Lianhua's feet the way few things can be, so it really wouldn't be right for him to complain about it now.
It wasn't even a proper toast. Li Lianhua may be struggling with his sight, but he shouldn't need it to see he's in trouble regardless, and no one is asking him to afford these moments or any others. Keeping that kind of ledger isn't in the spirit of what Li Lianhua wants to be, so he should take his own eponymous aspirations to heart there, too. Whether it's market produce or a trophy, Li Lianhua's sincerity at least passes muster with less disdain than the toast, and Di Feisheng drinks like he hasn't the slightest doubt or concern, like nothing's ever been taken away from him in his life. A respite from the full weight of Di Feisheng's attention, eye contact or not, has to be a mercy.
"If I wanted your help, you'd know," is the riposte, or maybe just confirmation. But far be it from him to interfere with Li Lianhua's hobbies, and lying surely ranks high on that list. No real expectation exists here that Li Lianhua will take an injunction to honesty to heart. It's just routine grumbling (which Li Lianhua of all people is equipped to hear for the banked affection humor it is), and he doesn't begrudge Li Lianhua his fun in the slightest. More in need of the interference is Li Lianhua's hobby of boxing shadows, and someday he will have to figure out what makes him so prone to it when he's so smart otherwise, and when it serves him so ill. But not today, since he no longer seems on the verge of bolting.
Now it's Di Feisheng's turn to fidget with his wine cup, though on him it is much less unbecoming of a sect leader and much more an outward continuation of an internal theme of calculation and recalculation. More of that visual weighing and deliberation, worrying pieces smooth with intent that won't be hurried and is still too unrefined to express. Could the Li Xiangyi he knew possibly have been like this, or was he already too far gone even then, a cracked cauldron? How dare Li Lianhua be right about some things. "Perhaps if I let you toast for every missing year, you'll get one right before you run out. Those are the right odds, I think."
It actually was a proper toast, thank you, for someone too willful and reluctant to express things more clearly than that, and willing to be a little free with the format. To the at times inconvenient and frightening insights that man is capable of, and to their limits both. A toast that lauds Di Feisheng as it should, too bad his insight doesn't extend to understanding that.
Li Lianhua takes refuge in his own drink, letting the comfortable burn of the alcohol warm him. It's a warmth that settles deep within his chest with Di Feisheng's bitchy retort, with the sweetness of its good humor and the tang of its hidden challenge, its unchanged pride and stubbornness. Li Lianhua smiles his boundless fondness into his cup before setting it down as well, his eyes shifting to the other man's unquiet hand, then risking a glance up to seek his gaze again.
Di Feisheng has always been the one person he knew could be trusted to see through all the noise of the world, to have nothing but disdain for all the frills and fabrications and distractions people hide behind, people build entire relationships and communities on. It makes him a blunt instrument at times. It makes him the kind of blade that cuts to the heart of things in one stroke when it matters.
But what Li Lianhua sometimes sees reflected in Di Feisheng's eyes when he looks at him, something worth winning, it's too hard to believe Di Feisheng is seeing anything but a ghost and mistaking it for a man. And yet, a traitorous foolish part of him wishes he could still be anything close to what Di Feisheng sees there...
So if Di Feisheng thinks the full weight of his attention isn't as thrilling as it is troublesome, Li Lianhua will really have to retract his toast.
It's good Di Feisheng's fidgeting is becoming of a sect leader, since he actually is one. But it also doesn't bode well for whatever comes out of those calculations, and Li Lianhua can only await it with a faint feeling of both curiosity and apprehension. And indeed, having to hear about their missing years proves that dread justified. As if he doesn't regret the loss of those years enough by himself. As if he hasn't tried again and again to make up for his mistakes toasting at his shifu's grave and in his shifu's home. But what's gone is gone.
Li Lianhua's gaze drops and he sighs, clicks his tongue with a wistful smile. The lightness of amusement in his voice is betrayed by a faint frown.
"Lao Di, that won't work. If toasts could make up for lost time, people would all be drunkards, eh? But you can't regain time any more than you can return spilled wine to the cup."
Di Feisheng's unseemly fidgeting subsides without a ripple, leaving him feeling a little harried by the wistfulness Li Lianhua seems inclined to wield against him like a weapon but no less determined. He has never been less determined in his life. Li Lianhua, he thinks, is right this time too, but there's not any gall in it for him, even if being a drunkard is starting to have its appeal. Just what does he think Di Feisheng sees, that's so unattainable. Why's he always so sure there's a difference. It doesn't feel like there's any hope of expressing it, even if he were certain he wanted to. The breadth of it isn't a cup of spilled wine refusing to be recalled, but more than will be contained even by someone meticulously undertaking an impossible task. Organizing grains of sand in a dream, perhaps, and wondering if there's a way to secure help. That wasn't what he meant, and the look he turns on Li Lianhua at last, open and lost and seeking a confirmation he isn't conscious of, is hopefully brief enough to escape notice.
There isn't any point in re-treading old ground, and it wouldn't be any comfort either. Li Lianhua doesn't want to hear that he hasn't given up, and he doesn't know how to say that there's still something good here which can't be changed by anything. There might be some point to pressing the admission out of Li Lianhua, but he thinks this level of participation in anniversary toasts may count already, and he can't risk adding duress to the mix. It would be deeply amusing to know that Li Lianhua admires his ability to be so decisive, when these days he is leaning into a more flexible skillset altogether.
It's just. It's the same thing. Clear enough he could paint it. Muddled and tangled and dreamed but still with crystal clear direction at the heart. It doesn't change the worth of anything lost to accept and want something that still is. There isn't anything he can say that would explain he is exactly where he wants to be, even if he didn't choose it and there is still nothing sure in this world. "Maybe not," is what he allows, instead of any of that, but the tinge of shared wistfulness and uncertainty makes it sound like he really is only entertaining a hypothetical more or less against his better judgment. Like personally, privately, he might be able to recall the lost time if he tried, but he won't, as a personal favor, and in honor of the day.
"It isn't about making up lost time," is one thing he's sure of, and certainly didn't suggest in the first place. Lost time and missed chances are different things, though there's lessons to be learned in both. What he wants to offer is a kind of opportunism, rather than an obligation, even if his phrasing suggests otherwise. "It's about getting it right."
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Date: 2024-07-14 09:06 pm (UTC)Get in the fucking hydraulic press.A better wording choice might be "cautious" or even "capable of foresight" and that is laid squarely at Li Lianhua's feet the way few things can be, so it really wouldn't be right for him to complain about it now.It wasn't even a proper toast. Li Lianhua may be struggling with his sight, but he shouldn't need it to see he's in trouble regardless, and no one is asking him to afford these moments or any others. Keeping that kind of ledger isn't in the spirit of what Li Lianhua wants to be, so he should take his own eponymous aspirations to heart there, too. Whether it's market produce or a trophy, Li Lianhua's sincerity at least passes muster with less disdain than the toast, and Di Feisheng drinks like he hasn't the slightest doubt or concern, like nothing's ever been taken away from him in his life. A respite from the full weight of Di Feisheng's attention, eye contact or not, has to be a mercy.
"If I wanted your help, you'd know," is the riposte, or maybe just confirmation. But far be it from him to interfere with Li Lianhua's hobbies, and lying surely ranks high on that list. No real expectation exists here that Li Lianhua will take an injunction to honesty to heart. It's just routine grumbling (which Li Lianhua of all people is equipped to hear for the banked
affectionhumor it is), and he doesn't begrudge Li Lianhua his fun in the slightest. More in need of the interference is Li Lianhua's hobby of boxing shadows, and someday he will have to figure out what makes him so prone to it when he's so smart otherwise, and when it serves him so ill. But not today, since he no longer seems on the verge of bolting.Now it's Di Feisheng's turn to fidget with his wine cup, though on him it is much less unbecoming of a sect leader and much more an outward continuation of an internal theme of calculation and recalculation. More of that visual weighing and deliberation, worrying pieces smooth with intent that won't be hurried and is still too unrefined to express. Could the Li Xiangyi he knew possibly have been like this, or was he already too far gone even then, a cracked cauldron? How dare Li Lianhua be right about some things. "Perhaps if I let you toast for every missing year, you'll get one right before you run out. Those are the right odds, I think."
no subject
Date: 2024-07-20 03:43 pm (UTC)and frighteninginsights that man is capable of, and to their limits both. A toast that lauds Di Feisheng as it should, too bad his insight doesn't extend to understanding that.Li Lianhua takes refuge in his own drink, letting the comfortable burn of the alcohol warm him. It's a warmth that settles deep within his chest with Di Feisheng's
bitchyretort, with the sweetness of its good humor and the tang of its hidden challenge, its unchanged pride and stubbornness. Li Lianhua smiles his boundless fondness into his cup before setting it down as well, his eyes shifting to the other man's unquiet hand, then risking a glance up to seek his gaze again.Di Feisheng has always been the one person he knew could be trusted to see through all the noise of the world, to have nothing but disdain for all the frills and fabrications and distractions people hide behind, people build entire relationships and communities on. It makes him a blunt instrument at times. It makes him the kind of blade that cuts to the heart of things in one stroke when it matters.
But what Li Lianhua sometimes sees reflected in Di Feisheng's eyes when he looks at him,
something worth winning, it's too hard to believe Di Feisheng is seeing anything but a ghost and mistaking it for a man. And yet, a traitorous foolish part of him wishes he could still be anything close to what Di Feisheng sees there...So if Di Feisheng thinks the full weight of his attention isn't as thrilling as it is troublesome, Li Lianhua will really have to retract his toast.
It's good Di Feisheng's fidgeting is becoming of a sect leader, since he actually is one. But it also doesn't bode well for whatever comes out of those calculations, and Li Lianhua can only await it with a faint feeling of both curiosity and apprehension. And indeed, having to hear about their missing years proves that dread justified. As if he doesn't regret the loss of those years enough by himself. As if he hasn't tried again and again to make up for his mistakes toasting at his shifu's grave and in his shifu's home. But what's gone is gone.
Li Lianhua's gaze drops and he sighs, clicks his tongue with a wistful smile. The lightness of amusement in his voice is betrayed by a faint frown.
"Lao Di, that won't work. If toasts could make up for lost time, people would all be drunkards, eh? But you can't regain time any more than you can return spilled wine to the cup."
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 06:00 am (UTC)There isn't any point in re-treading old ground, and it wouldn't be any comfort either. Li Lianhua doesn't want to hear that he hasn't given up, and he doesn't know how to say that there's still something good here which can't be changed by anything. There might be some point to pressing the admission out of Li Lianhua, but he thinks this level of participation in anniversary toasts may count already, and he can't risk adding duress to the mix. It would be deeply amusing to know that Li Lianhua admires his ability to be so decisive, when these days he is leaning into a more flexible skillset altogether.
It's just. It's the same thing. Clear enough he could paint it. Muddled and tangled and dreamed but still with crystal clear direction at the heart. It doesn't change the worth of anything lost to accept and want something that still is. There isn't anything he can say that would explain he is exactly where he wants to be, even if he didn't choose it and there is still nothing sure in this world. "Maybe not," is what he allows, instead of any of that, but the tinge of shared wistfulness and uncertainty makes it sound like he really is only entertaining a hypothetical more or less against his better judgment. Like personally, privately, he might be able to recall the lost time if he tried, but he won't, as a personal favor, and in honor of the day.
"It isn't about making up lost time," is one thing he's sure of, and certainly didn't suggest in the first place. Lost time and missed chances are different things, though there's lessons to be learned in both. What he wants to offer is a kind of opportunism, rather than an obligation, even if his phrasing suggests otherwise. "It's about getting it right."